My Freshman Season

"Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." Phil 3:13-14

I would be lying if I said it was easy to sit down in my dorm and write my season recap while my team is traveling to the PAC-12 meet. Not even making the travel roster to a meet that I should score points at is disappointing, to say the least. To say more, it's isolating, confusing, frustrating, maddening, and a little embarrassing. It's just plain sad. What happened? How did I get here, crying behind a screen, when I should be there, running the times of my life? What happened?

Quite frankly, I don't know. And I think that's the hardest part. I don't know what happened to the girl who was winning reps all fall. I don't know what happened to the 2021 CO state champion. I don't know what happened to the athlete that was running the fastest times of her life less than a year ago. I do know that it would have been sure nice if she showed up around here this season.

But she didn't, at least not physically. Everyone has heard of personal bests, but what about personal worsts? I set one pretty much every meet, with my last open 400 clocked at 59.99. Over 5.5 seconds slower than my personal record. Slower than my PR when I was in 8th grade. At least it wasn't a minute, right?

Mentally, she was there. At least for the most part. Week after week of underperforming takes its emotional and mental toll. Still, I executed race plans, I was competitive. I had the right mental framework before my races, and I was never crippled by anxiety. I felt no different mentally before my races than I did before any of my PRs. Being there mentally only piled onto the frustration -- what was I doing wrong?

I can't answer that. I have no idea why my body ran like it did this year. Of course, I can speculate: recurring sinus infections, COVID, perhaps a little bit of overtraining, perhaps I lost a bit of speed. Or, my personal favorite (SARCASM): freshman year is just an adjustment. The truth is, none of these things can fully explain my times this year. All of them together can't fully explain it either. It's easy to trust the process when we understand the process, or to make excuses for myself when the excuses make sense. In the past, if I had adversity on the track, there was a reason: I tore my hamstring, or I got my appendix taken out. In the case of my freshman year, it just doesn't make sense. I don't understand.

Yet, I lean not on my own understanding. Because if I did, I would have nothing to put my trust in. My trust rests in God and God alone.

I might never get an answer to my struggles this season, and that's okay. Now, it's time to move on. It's off-season. My body will rest in hope (Acts 2:26).